The Thoughts Of An "Ordinary Life"

Roots of Hip Hop: My Thoughts

2008-05-04T05:27:38Z

So I was listening to the new Roots album (everyone who wants to hear truth should pick up a copy) and I was ashamed of myself because it's the first album of theirs I ever bought. I guess I just enjoyed their singles and admired them from afar. But I told myself that they were an essential part of my love for hip-hop. When I first heard hip-hop it just made Common Sense and grew into this Fiasco and Mos Definitely became apart of my life. The Styles it took on, followed me from East to West, becoming this global context. A conversation starter between different nations and as I walk up the Hills of life I am a Refugee to it's movement. But lately it has been dimming, becoming the same song over and over with little interruptions from it's Roots and not spitting out the Legends it used to. When Doug was Fresh when DMC ran with vicious rhymes it was Cool when Mama Knocked us Out and I went right to sleep with that Slick Bedtime Story. On days when I'm drained from non sense lyrics and over synthesized beats I go back to The Gang on Sugarhill and feel rejuvenated and ready to be a listener taking on whatever is next in the evolution of Hip Hop. I definitely hope that it involves more Roots.

Done

2008-05-02T04:54:01Z

So pretty much I'm over love, dating, men, sex, whatever that involves me getting butterflies, giggles, un-explained feelings, I think you get the point. I'm tired of games, I would go play PS2 or Gamecube if I wanted that. But I have feelings that don't like to get fucked with or abused. I have goals that I'm fine with reaching solo. I wish dating was like it was way back when, when people actually talk before and play after. Not during. People rarely talk as it is. If I am going to be completely honest I'm in love with someone I can't be with anymore and at times it feels as if he doesn't mind that one bit. I know it sounds as if I'm complaining but I'm just releasing frustration at the male population. Most women like the romance, the sweet talk, the listening, the gifts in the words not the ones that sit at the door. Just that someone, and if you have found him/her congrats and for those of you who are looking and waiting I know the feeling. I'm just about ready to give up and I think that I might have, but I'm sure there will be something to pull me right back in.

Decieving Snake

2008-04-28T06:56:52Z

And yet you turn out to be that deceiving snake
That useless tool
That can't get up anyway
Can't finish whats been started
Needs to be a "playa"
But has turned into a poor soul

And you bit me on my heel
And I bowed for a minute
Then got up and crushed your head
Making you realize
I'm not so weak

Still you talk as if your big and bad
But brotha talk is cheap
And you are as broke as a joke
As you sit and spit bullshhh
I am the queen ridin clean

And you are that decieving snake
Slithering on hot coals
With nothing to back up your hisses and disses
Real talk: your not so vicious

Never satisfied

2008-04-27T05:35:23Z

The sweetness
The sadness
The slip
The ascent
I fell into that hole
Your bullshit
With your sweet talk
All because I wanted you to be him
But you weren't and he is still...gone
And yet the ascent that was supposed to happen indeed did
And I stand confused...not wanting to slip into the same
Pattern of what he left behind will still continue if the
Sweetness of his lips never leave mine the
Sadness of this life without him will be replace with slips
Of quick fixes and blended names with aimless love strokes filling the
Hole that will never be satisfied

Day 1

2008-03-11T06:08:07Z

I feel numb...it's finally over this time I know he's not coming back. And honestly, I'm okay with that even though I'll regret it later. But this is my vow, from this day forward he is forever cut off. This is day one and I know it doesn't get easier, but I feel alittle relieved....a little.

Competition

2008-03-09T09:23:51Z

Do you ever feel like your in competition with other friends in the relationship? Even though we aren't together, that bond is still there and although we are in the healing process, gossip talk and decieving murmurs irritate me to no end. Our relationship isn't perfect, no relationship ever is and I'm sure we shouldn't be a model to anyone else but the fact that we won't give up on each other is inspiration enough. Do I have this thing with acceptance? Sure, I guess the female always does especially when your male companion has a lot of female friends. Male friends are easy to impress but females always seem to have the upper hand. This one in particular was there before I was so I always feel as if she has the upper hand, as if I always have to prove something. When the truth is I know she hates me, and although I don't particularly care for her, I don't always bring up something negative about his and her relationship. Like the many times she's acted rather rude and instead of cutting her off, he gives her the benefit of the doubt in most cases. At first it was about pleasing her so that she would have nothing to say, now it's the fact that I feel I always have to be one step ahead at all times. Sure I ask for her well being because she means something to him when really I guess I just need to know the latest negative thing she's said so that I can prove her wrong. I don't want to feel like this if we do reconnect and go further in our relationship. However I know she is too important to him and I would never wish for their relationship to go aray. However, I don't think I should be feeling like this...but I guess it's not important right now. We're not even together.

cocoagoddess11 @ 2008-03-04T14:53:00

2008-03-04T23:10:21Z

You know those days when the walls of the world seem to squish every breath out of you. You're mute in a desolate land and the only one who seems to hear you is God himself but He can't help because you feel your too far gone even for His interference? Yeah...that describes the beginning of this week. I keep trying to reach for Him and although He's always with me I feel so disconnected from life itself. And it happens in a flash, my temper is so short now adays. Maybe I need to be medicated. All the worlds ills seem to sit on my shoulders and I just want to get away. I don't trust anyone enough to tell them what mulls in my mind, just the fact that I'm sad, mad, or happy. Never more than that, I don't want anyone to be let in too much. The more information that is kept in the dark is just a means for more to be leaked into the light. I'm such a complicated person is what I've been told, but only when I'm upset or mad. The only reason for that is the fact that I don't want to shut down but I feel myself closing off, I think that's just what I need to do to cope. However, I'm trying so hard not to hurt people to begin with by not snapping and all that other stuff that I end up doing it anyway. Also, I'm really not trying to focus on any guys or love for that matter. If anything I enjoy watching other people finally get the love they deserve, I know that God will send me someone in due time. With that said I've been having these really crazy dreams, maybe it's my inner self or something trying to tell me that I have feelings for this person even though I could care less about him at all. Sure he's a cool person but I don't see anything romantically happening so I suck it up and move on with life. But I've been having these passionate dreams with him as if we're going to be a couple. The first time it was cool because I was crushin' on him kinda hard but after the weekend I had made a final decision that men weren't going to be in my plans or future unless someone came strolling along. So I've been focusing on other things. So the dream last night was really scary but I'm trying not to read too much into it, whatever happens happens and I don't predict that's happening anytime soon...actually...I don't predict it happening at all and I'm cool with that. But I'm praying that my day will get better...for everyone's sake. Have a good day to everyone and God bless.

Anxiety

2008-02-18T04:59:45Z

Haven't written for awhile, but I've had alot going on. Trying to settle into this new school, deal with a loss of an important person and juggle family is rough. As for school, I love it, and the people in it are God's blessing to me and I appreciate Him for putting them in my life everyday. The loss...was hard but it's like that Keyshia Cole song...I have to love myself genuinely before surrendering it to some one else. Even though I feel like no one else will have my heart the way that he did and there will always be an us no matter who I'm involved with. He told me to leave so I'm just following what I've been told. Plus Single Awareness Day (Valentines Day) wasn't so bad, I met someone who actually thinks I could be on there level. An aspiring doctor actually who likes who I am and isn't concerned about who I was just what I'm trying to do now. It's a good feeling to not have to feel so guarded and just be able to let go and just enjoy what college is about. I'm so ready to just get out there and embrace the world. God does work wonders and I'm so happy that I can share that with anyone who'll listen. God bless.

Fading Memories

2008-01-24T17:34:09Z

I wish I could sit here and say that I was aboslutely devistated at the words he screamed at me. But I wasn't, just like I wasn't upset when I threw life in his face. I could care less, everything I've ever felt for him is gone. Replace with hatred and regret, regret for so many things. But still it was a growing experience, one I will never forget. Four years.....four years. Better four than ten I guess. But he will never experience me again, and that will be his loss I suppose. As well as mine...but right now I don't care. I could die next week and he probably would shed one tear. At this point, I am empty. A shell. Nonchalant and uncaring about him...or my previous life with him. I guess I could break down, but why? Why put myself through that.....there's no reason to hurt myself more over someone who could care less. Instead I move on with life..and start over as if there was never him...he doesn't and he never did exist.

Tired

2008-01-24T05:45:35Z

I don't understand. How can he want so hard to be with me and then act a totally different way. I'm surprised but then I'm not. I guess I shouldn't pick up, I should do what he wants. He wants to know that I can resist him and he thinks I'm too weak to do that. So I guess I'll forget about him, it's easier to do that. It hurts, but I don't know what else to do. I seriously spilled my guts to him.....and he said nothing. Just silence. Do you know how hurtful that is? It totally sucks, and I'm kinda tired of it. Peace.

Doing Fine

2008-01-22T04:35:36Z

Surprisingly I actually took someone's advice and it worked. Shocking huh? I haven't called, except for today I gave in but I quickly knew I shouldn't have but it was fine, he wasn't even there. Time is slowly but surely healing all and I'm very excited about this new school. Everything is working out, now all I have to do is stop being lazy and get over the fact that no not everything is perfect, but anything ever rarely is. I love it.

Empty

2008-01-18T04:48:41Z

I wish that I could be who I used to be before him. Funny thing is, I don't remember who that is. I don't even know if that person remotely exists anymore. Everything hurts and feels hollow, I'm just.....just.....empty. Nothing is outside, nothing is in. I just don't want to be anywhere. I want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep for hours and wake up when I'm over him. I know I need to go to school, and granted, this school is better way better, but I feel like I have no one to share it with. Come valentines day, a day that I should be bringing in love with someone who I'm in love with. For four years I've had a valentine, for four years I've had someone to lean on. And that someone left me in the dust, I just....I feel empty. And now, I'm done.

Frustration

2008-01-15T16:13:47Z

The biggest thing I regret right now is going to that dumb ass high school. For all of you that go to an adventist academy and if you ever move to Escondido, DON'T GO TO ESCONDIDO ADVENTIST ACADEMY!!! They suck, they're rude, and all that Christian attitude shit is over rated because as soon as you leave they drop you faster than a hot coal. Pretty much what happened is they lost my transcripts so now I have to take a whole bunch of classes so that I can transfer smoothly to any institution without needing my SAT/ACT scores. Problem? I hate the university I'm at, I hate it with a passion. So I'm stuck because an institution that is supposed to give you higher learning (they charge you enough) is really inferior to any other regular public school. Karma is a bitch and I hope they get theres soon. Other than that I'm still struggling inside, but I'm trying to get through day by day, like my cousin says, time will ease everything. As far as my relationship goes, what relationship? He's too stubborn to listen to me and it turns into me getting upset because I'm supposed to just accept and move on. Life doesn't work like that, so neither should a relationship. Like he says we do things too differently, but yet I'm just supposed to accept the way he does things without saying anything. And then I'm ungrateful. I'm so over it I could care less if we talk. Yes, I invested half my grown years but I still have a lot more and I'm not going to invest anymore time trying to tell him how I feel. After four years we should be able to put aside some differences and move the hell on. But I guess it can't work like that and right now I'm just over him period. This whole week is starting off with drama, and I'm not trying to get further in. So I'm clocking out, whatever happens from here on out, I'm taking myself out of the equation. I hope everyone has a blessed day.

Grief

2008-01-14T01:26:48Z

Nothing matters at this point, I feel nothing. I cry at the thought of his name, I cry at the fact that I thought I would be stronger, but last night I begged because I can't be alone. When I said I can't, thats really what I was saying I think. I can't be alone, at this point I don't know how. Pitiful isn't it? I know that we need to be apart, it's better that we are. I need to get myself together, I need to figure out who I am in order to be someone special to him. Just all these factors came into play that shouldn't have even happened. Women, I pray that none of you experience child loss. I thought it was a relief, my body and emotions are speaking to me loud and clear that this is grief. The type of grief that makes you want to just sit in your room all day and night. I can't stand looking at people, especially pregnant women. I start to tear up and I just want to get the hell out of the room. Makes it kind of hard to go shopping or go out to eat. Even at the gym I I found myself staring at this lady in the class. She probably thought I was freak, I'm starting to think that way too. Nothing makes sense, I just want to leave, I just want to go away to a deserted island and think. Force myself to be alone so I can just relax and not have a care in the world. But I need to eat, and I have bills, plus this annoying thing called college tends to happen 7 days a week. I need peace and I know where to find it, but I just can't do it right now. Eventually I will, but right now, I want to just wallow in sorrow and just make it from day to day without wanting to cry when I see a baby or pregnant lady. Yeah...peace would be nice.

Spoiled

2008-01-08T05:57:15Z

I guess it takes a split second to wake up and realize the reality of things. I have to say I've been pretty spoiled up until now. I have to actually deal with things without a crutch. By crutch I mean my boyfriend, my friends, my parents. I asked for it when I said when I was an adult, so everyone pretty much showed me the harsh reality of having only your strength. It could be worse I guess, I could have no family or support systems. Maybe it is worse because I just demand seclusion, but it'll only last a while. Only until I'm used to these new legs that have to stand alone. I'm not trying to shut anyone out, but I know if I'm going to make it I need to make peace with myself or else I'll just fall into the same pattern of crying until someone picks me up dusts me off, and gives me what I wants. Pitiful eh? Yeah I know. But half the battle is standing, that's what I've done, now I just need to walk through these next few months and I think, just maybe, I'll survive in one piece.

Tired

2008-01-07T07:54:58Z

I don't know how I did three years. Looking back on it, it took so much out of me emotionally that I'm surprised I lasted that long. If what I have going on doesn't work out I know no one will ever get that much out of me. I simply wouldn't know how to do it all over again. I'm not sure I would even want to. These next few months of separation will be hard just because of the simple fact that I don't know if I could do emotional roller coaster that long distance entails all over again. To some it's not a long time and I know the more I dwell on it it will turn into eternity but I can't help but feel as if all the hard work that has been put into us is all in vain because of all the set backs. I surely hope not.

Truely Sweethearts (Take 3)

2008-01-05T07:55:25Z

Junior summer I messed up a good thing, I guess I clocked out of the relationship because Peabo had clocked out with not so much as a murmur my way. By the time he started calling me again I guess I figured revenge was on the horizon. Needless to say we got through our senior year pretty smoothly, and I guess started seeing the relationship in a new light. For 2 years we had been going back and forth, when Peabo came over 3,000 miles to see me for the weekend I had to wake up and realize what he truly meant to me. We left on the same page, we were a couple. Nothing was going to come between us, I had eyes for him and he had eyes for me. Point, blank, period. I knew I was in love with Peabo awhile back but what I had felt at that moment was shared with me when I knew it wasn't before. By the summer he was packing up his stuff and moving over to my side, and now he's moving back because of money and the fact that my mother is psycho. Even though I'll be joining him in five months I figured we wouldn't have to be separated. All the crap that's going on I feel as if I can't face it by myself and I realized that Peabo really did help me fight most of my battles the latter half of this year. Physically, he can't do that and even though he'll still be with me emotionally I can't help but feel like I need him there in person. But even though thats the selfish side talking, I know that mentally I need to be by myself to really prove how strong I am and he knows that. There really was no point to this saga other than realizing that life is short and you should take all the opportunities you have even if they are dead ends it's still a hell of an adventure. Put yourself out on a limb...I did and it's working out fairly well. Yeah I wobble a little, but I never lose my balance because I have a support system that won't let me. Happy New Years and I hope you all brought it in with love and affection.

Truely Sweethearts (Take 2)

2007-12-30T18:28:24Z

Chapter 2

Where did I leave off? Oh yeah seeing Peabo on my way from the bus stop. Yeah I thought it was fate and yes I knew I still liked him but I was pretty sure that those feelings were long gone on his part so I pushed mine to the side as well. Besides, we were moving, it was time for another tour and frankly while I was upset I knew there was nothing I could do. My mother wouldn't dare let me live with my father and his life wasn't so stable, he still wanted to do what he wanted to do and I made peace with that. Regardless I had to start off the school year and this time I was more prepared. By the time the first dance came around (my last), it was the day before my birthday and we had just won the game. Nothing was better then guys in good moods. However, I wasn't in that great of a mood even though my best friend was. I still don't know what made me sour about that night all I knew was that I was ready to leave when a messenger came up and told me I had to save a dance for Peabo. I was shocked beyond belief. One because he felt he was too good to ask me himself and two he had a whole damn year to ask me to dance! I guess I was the bigger fool 'cuz I sure enough did wait until he grabbed my arm and let me into the mix of bumping and grinding. Honestly that was one of the best nights of my life, besides what happened next.. Which was a casual conversation and a sensual kiss ending in the title of being boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah, just like that, didn't really think anything through. Besides the next day was my birthday and I figured I should have a good going off seeing as I was leaving the state soon anyway. Needless to say we didn't break up like smart people do I suppose. I guess we weren't really wanting to let go of something that we both had wanted for so long. And yes, I did love him and he understood me. So even if we did give up on romance, he would still be an incredible asset as a friend. But after four months, I knew it would be hard to see him as just a friend and I got scared and broke it off. The day before Christmas mind you. Yeah I'm the biggest bitch ever but everything was piling up and I couldn't deal. At that time Usher was my biggest friend, his Confessions had just dropped and so did my tears. Confusion and anger was my middle name. I was stubborn and at the time I felt I did nothing wrong and he did everything. I can't really explain our reunion but it came to pass and before it so did a year and all of sudden we were going into junior year. I guess that's when everything started happening...we started growing. By the time junior year was out we hadn't been talking for three months, not my fault this time, and the summer of junior year I was feeling good about a lot of things...

Truely Sweethearts: A Highschool Tale (Take 1)

2007-12-30T06:17:06Z

Chapter 1

When I met him I was 14, and no it wasn't love at first sight. All I knew was that he was special and I found him attractive. That was the task for the day my freshman year. To be in, you needed a guy. By 5th period I found him but I knew to others he wouldn't be considered "in". He looked like he wanted to blow up the school, and I couldn't blame him. There was no reason a school should be damn near four floors with a full courtyard and huge soccer field, track/football field to match. School was mad massive, but that's beside the point. Back to the tale, he had on a huge hoodie (even though it was like 90 degree's I mean we're talkin about east coast summers) and his head was boppin along to an imaginary beat. He was a fairly big dude, in height and size and all I wanted to do was squeeze him until a smile flashed across his face. I loved his demeanor however cross it was. Of course his name didn't fit him (Peabo, yea like the singer)...but I held on to it like my teddy bear at night. I did the x's and o's, the notebook scribblings, I even would plan my walking to schedule around his. No, I wasn't a stalker I was just very shy and eventually he broke the ice by slight proddings and pokes, which soon upgraded to hugs (after I embarrassed myself by asking for one). We made slight conversation but never really broke into a good friend mode. We were acquaintance's mostly and our groups happen to intertwined though I'm sad to say we never did. With half the year over and with me still yearning for his attention I did what any girl did at that age I suppose. I sent a friend. On a scale from 1-10 he rated me a 7, in his language it was average because I personally didn't ask him and he really didn't know me that well. Today I look at that and see understandable. Then? That was a C and for a 3.5 student like me, a C was barely passing. To add insult to injury word got around that him and this other girl, who I thought had way more going than me, we're about to date. I was crushed, I stopped walking near his locker, I stopped asking for hugs. I practically cut him out all together really, I didn't see him if I didn't want to be seen. Then I met this boy, Aaron, who I guess had been crushing on me for awhile, I had nothing to loose seeing as I felt I lost half of my year so I dated him for the six months we had left in school. I loved having someone dote on me, and the fact that we didn't match each other in race (he was white, I am not) didn't matter to me because he gave me what I needed....to get my mind off Peabo. By the summer I was damn near sick and tired...more sick than tired of Aaron. I felt more like a therapist than a girlfriend and was tired of having to counsel him. He wanted us to be sweethearts, I just wanted to move on. So I did, the summer of freshman year I had quite a few flings. Each unsatisfying as the next then, as walked back from the bus stop with a friend I saw him. No particular reason to see each other, other than the fact we just happened to cross each others paths. Time stopped, literally. I couldn't move and I didn't for a good two minutes (in reality it was five seconds) as we had a personal stare off. That was the day that changed everything, I hadn't seen him for over six months and all of a sudden a rush of feelings over came me and I was back in 5th period at the beginning of the school year. As my friend started to pull me, she asked the question that was probably on both of our minds. "You don't still like him do you?"

Who's To Say?

2007-12-26T16:19:35Z